International Women's Day under our belts I thought I would take some time to reflect on what being female means to me.
I don't have a relationship with my mother and always strive to be the opposite of her. She is a self-proclaimed weak person; so I always tried to be strong. I am adopted and what I know of my birth mother is that she was having an affair with an older married man and gave me up for adoption. As a result, as much as I want one, it is hard for me to fully trust or rely on a man. I did grow up with two older brothers and as far as family goes they were the largest influences on me.
"I see you as a person and no MAN wants to date a person they want to date a WOMAN."
"You don't present yourself as a sexual being."
"You're more of a guy than I am with that stuff."
"Well you're different because you're basically a guy anyway."
"I didn't even know you had boobs til like 2 months ago."
"Are you sure you don't have a penis?"
These are just some of the things men have said to me since I burst onto the dating scene. I am fortunate, in a way, because of my "male characteristics" they felt comfortable enough to share these things with me though it doesn't make them any less hurtful and confusing, I know that was not their intent. Just the way society views gender roles. They offer advice on how to be perceived as being more sexual and feminine and all of these things are completely lost on me.
I look in the mirror and see the face I learned to appreciate over time. When I look in the mirror I see a woman. A woman that was emotionally raised like a man. We didn't talk about our feelings in our family, in fact we didn't talk much at all. There were no hugs at least not like other families give hugs and when I was a child if I was upset about something I would have to come up with a concise, logical and somewhat manipulative proposal if I wanted something to change.
My brothers being my role models were great. Though we are all separated by distance and they are both approximately a decade older than me I am a direct result of their influence. They taught me to push myself academically, mentally and physically. I can't think of many other kids who's Big Bird flash cards made them cry tears of frustration, learning not to show fear over being front row the first time on a roller coaster and to learn that even though you were the fastest in your class at the 50 yard dash your brothers could still run circles around you. You didn't cry though, at least not much, because you wanted to be like them. I know they loved me and I loved them but I related to my brothers in the same way I imagine that a lot of men relate to their fathers.
I am not saying that all men who are brought up this way end up like me nor am I saying women who were brought up with female role models end up another; all I can say is I am fortunate to have used it to my advantage in many ways and it's my detriment in others. Typically it is a double edged sword.
Advantages, the majority of people see me as very confident. I say exactly what is on my mind and am unapologetic for it. People who see me and don't know me very well see me as someone who does not fear rejection or at least gets over it fairly quickly. People see me as someone who can be spontaneous and adventurous and humorous.
Disadvantages, how people perceive me couldn't be further than the way I actually feel and think on the inside. I just learned at an early age to do it anyway. This sounds great but it is a great way to keep people at a distance and for people to never see you and for people not to want to care about you on a deeper level.
I watch Sports Center in the morning while curling my hair, I am resourceful, I am not ashamed that I received 2 promotions in 2 years, I support myself financially, I can drink you under the table, meet you in a battle of wits, talk about current events, be well read, like comics, science, go out without makeup on, get dressed to the 9's, sit in a restaurant alone, cry in romantic movies (as long as no one sees), enjoy football and Tom Ford, swear like a sailor and not clap between movements during a symphony. I think about being a mother, writer, wife and having a daughter that will always feel like she is enough and will not feel the stigma of gender-shaming.
Every time I tried to be more feminine in the ways I was told; it made me uncomfortable and I felt like a fraud. I felt like I wasn't being true to myself. I feel feminine, I feel strong and I feel internally beautiful and at peace with myself when I am my abrupt, loud, awkward self which may not be feminine by societal standards. If you look beneath, I have all the wants, desires and societal reservations of any other female.
I am a woman...girl maybe...definitely female and proud to be.
