I am an expert runner. 5 middle schools, 4 high schools, 8 states and numerous locations within them; sometimes we get so used to change it is impossible for us to ever develop roots. When I turned 18 and I was in charge of my own relocation(s) I became an expert of removing myself from uncomfortable situations. It usually took a couple tanks of gas and a month to month lease. My constant bouncing from one place to another was encouraged by friends that found this behavior, "daring" and "adventurous" and "brave". I usually developed more of a relationship with the city/state I lived in than with the people in it.
My second stint in Salt Lake, I didn't want to leave but like most habits/addictions you do them anyway even if you want to quit, so I moved to Wisconsin. I grew in Wisconsin. I married a man I met in Wisconsin. I kept my first 12 month lease in Wisconsin. I am getting divorced in Wisconsin. I gave a lot of myself here, Wisconsin changed me.
The first time I ever stepped foot in Wisconsin, I was 17. I was visiting my brother in Chicago and he wanted to drive up to Milwaukee and take photographs. It was March and the mugginess of Chicago did not join us when I opened the door of the car and was hit by a blast of cold air. The streets were relatively empty and the gray sky made the buildings ominously beautiful. There is a loneliness to Milwaukee on a gray day and I felt a kinship with it immediately.
Before we headed back south we drove aimlessly until we found a place to take a pit stop. There was a grocery store on a hill. Almost like a monument. "They call their grocery stores Pick N Save??? That's awesome!!" Stupid things give me a thrill sometimes. They always have. I walked in and they were playing Brahms overhead and I found the Produce section especially well organized. I don't know why but it left an impression. As we drove away, I remember telling my brother that one day I would come back to Wisconsin and buy something from that grocery store, Pick N Save. Little did I know that in less than 10 years my life would take me back there and I would be living within walking distance from that exact store.
* * * *
"So what's the plan? Where are you off to next?" Is the question I have been asked the most after hearing about my divorce. I am encouraged to move to any of the numerous places that I've lived previously and still have contact with people there. I can hear the anticipation in some of their voices wanting to live vicariously from any rash decision I may make. I hadn't even considered leaving...seriously anyway. I even got this question from people in Wisconsin. I finally asked why everyone thinks I am wanting to leave. ..."BECAUSE YOU HATE WISCONSIN", was the resounding reply. This bothered me because I didn't think I hated Wisconsin. I didn't want to convey something I didn't even know I felt.
"You don't have to hate Wisconsin just because your life fell apart there." This hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I "hated" Wisconsin because I was mad and hurt about my divorce. I "hated" it because it always challenged me out of my comfort zone and made me face my fears and insecurities. I really "hated" it because I didn't necessarily want to leave. I felt betrayed by the place that clipped my wings and didn't give me anything back. I knew that if I was ever going to break my cycle of running I had to take a stand and at least commit to developing a home base. This caused my gypsy soul to scream and thrash in protest and I feel like half of me is disappointed. Wisconsin makes me feel raw. It represents all the wants that I haven't explored and that make me feel vulnerable. Wisconsin says to me, "I will take your sarcasm and your walls but I want every other part of you that you've ignored and pretend like it doesn't exist."
"You don't have to hate Wisconsin just because your life fell apart there." This hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I "hated" Wisconsin because I was mad and hurt about my divorce. I "hated" it because it always challenged me out of my comfort zone and made me face my fears and insecurities. I really "hated" it because I didn't necessarily want to leave. I felt betrayed by the place that clipped my wings and didn't give me anything back. I knew that if I was ever going to break my cycle of running I had to take a stand and at least commit to developing a home base. This caused my gypsy soul to scream and thrash in protest and I feel like half of me is disappointed. Wisconsin makes me feel raw. It represents all the wants that I haven't explored and that make me feel vulnerable. Wisconsin says to me, "I will take your sarcasm and your walls but I want every other part of you that you've ignored and pretend like it doesn't exist."
* * * *
"Oconomowoc"
"Menomonee Falls"
"Waukesha"
Laughter erupts from the back of the car as I try to phonetically pronounce the names of the cities we drive past. I am starting a new journey in another location in the United States. I ignore the taunting. I am too mesmerized by the water towers that boast the mysterious names and the new scenery that is full of possibility. The scenery reminded me of a never ending road trip with hundreds of places I wanted to stop just because; exploring and listening to stories of the people who lived in the homes with the manicured lawns.
We pull up to an apartment complex behind a Family Video. This is going to be my home. I saw the pictures online and as I walk up the stairs I realize how large my new home will be and I feel an incredible weight in my stomach. The spaciousness carried with it responsibility. I felt nauseousness that I would be discovered as a fraud, and I wouldn't be able to live up to the expectations that this perfect piece of Americana embodied.
My relationship with Wisconsin started cautiously, I bought travel books, books by the naturalists, guides to hiking and biking trails and set out. On my long commute into Milwaukee from West Bend I was mesmerized by the community storytelling 88.9 FM and knew I wanted to be a part of this community. I remembered the lonely buildings and streets from when I was 17 and wanted to fight for it. To be a part of the grit. I did and I loved it. My friend from out of state came to visit and as we were driving through downtown Milwaukee we turned to each other and said, "Now this is what a city looks like."
I would take walks along the beach in Port Washington and ride my bike up to Eden. I would hike and snowshoe through the Kettle Moraine. Bonfires and fish fry in Washington county, the observatory in Lake Geneva, driving past small farms with red barns; I looked at these with wonder and warmness.
I want that feeling back, but like ex-lovers that are trying to rekindle a romance there is distrust and fear and awkwardness. It's like restoring an antique; through the proper time, care, patience it can be as good as new. My relationships with the places I live can be just as tumultuous and/or pleasurable than the ones I have with the people in it. Anyway, Wisconsin...after all my bumbling verbosity, what I am trying to say is best said by John Cusack from the state that I had an awesome relationship with before you...Here it is...
I would take walks along the beach in Port Washington and ride my bike up to Eden. I would hike and snowshoe through the Kettle Moraine. Bonfires and fish fry in Washington county, the observatory in Lake Geneva, driving past small farms with red barns; I looked at these with wonder and warmness.
I want that feeling back, but like ex-lovers that are trying to rekindle a romance there is distrust and fear and awkwardness. It's like restoring an antique; through the proper time, care, patience it can be as good as new. My relationships with the places I live can be just as tumultuous and/or pleasurable than the ones I have with the people in it. Anyway, Wisconsin...after all my bumbling verbosity, what I am trying to say is best said by John Cusack from the state that I had an awesome relationship with before you...Here it is...
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