The Fear of Disconnect

It is a beautiful thing to be in silence.  As I look out my friend's bay window into a setting that would make Robert Frost's heart skip a beat, I feel content to be a spectator of beauty.  There is a warm glow coming from a neighbor's window and I gaze into the house which is obviously a home.  Wisconsinites don't have fences in their backyards.  They see their neighbors to know which walls to build around their hearts.  A part of me wants to become a part of it and understood by it, but too often I find myself a few steps behind and moving to a different beat.

The feeling of not belonging is numbed by the instant gratification of social media.  I have to share this experience with someone.  I need this moment of grace validated.  A few likes and a comment later I gaze back out the window and the sun has set.  The moment is lost and I can't reconnect.  

Later that evening a friend from Milwaukee comes to visit.  We both periodically check our phones and check in on all the appropriate social media apps.  He checks in the shitty beer he is drinking and let's me know that he has had over 100 different types of beer in the past year.   

"How are you feeling?" 

"Fine"

"You?"

"Alright."

We're both going through a divorce and decided to commiserate with each other over beers.  Both of us look down at our phones again.  Houston, I think we have a problem...I look up at the other people at the dimly lit bar immersed in conversation, 10 years ago this would have been a dream to come in here and talk to people, to know their stories and become a richer person for it.  Now, I am more concerned about making an impression on the people that aren't even in the room.  

I've decided to disconnect.  I've been disconnected from the present anyway for far too long.  The decision made,

I already feel the rawness.  I feel lonely knowing that social validation is now a longer process that just two clicks and a few sentences away.  I want to reach out and have beautiful moments and enjoy other's presence and really see them.  Real connection is now going to be a learned behavior, one that I hope I can master.